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I'm Moving   
09:02am 14/07/2006
mood: depressed
Well I thought there was no way around it. Around October me and my family will be moving to Atlanta. My mom took a job offer there and it seems I have no word in the matter.

Everytime I seem to have fun with my friends, I always think of leaving them, and I get sad. After just 5 years of being here, I consider Kentucky my home. I will try to move back here in a year or so, but being away from you all for a while makes it the worst thing I can bear.

Andrew, Mike, and Will you guys will always be my best friends. I love you all so much. I promise I will back soon. I promise that I will finish that movie Jake, and we will get to work on it when I come back. Chelsea, I am sorry I have not been around lately, but seeing you again was pretty awesome, I enjoyed the movie with you.

Although my move date is in a few months, I just wanted to tell all you guys that I love you, and that I will be back soon.
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I am so Tired   
08:59am 23/06/2006
mood: tired
I just woke up to go out in field service with my sister. She needs hours because she is an auxillary this month. Ugh, I feel like crap. My mom blew up my cell about 80 times, and now I am about to leave. Even though I hate this now, I'll be happy I did it later.

I finally created my MySpace by the way. The URL is www.myspace.com/theantithug. Gotta bounce!!! OH! Andrew is back today too.
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I'm Sorry   
02:08am 21/06/2006
mood: sad
School is finally over. I graduated, got a new car, Xbox 360, and a lot of money. Think I would be the happiest person on the earth? Not really. You know how you want to break away from school the moment you get out, and not have anything to do with the kids you sat in class with? That would be vice versa for me.

I have been so caught up on hanging out with wordly people, it's not even funny. I barely talk to anyone anymore. And I refuse to go to any parties or get togethers because I am ashamed that I have been gone so long. I think in my head that these kids are my real friends, when they really are not. And when I try to stop them from taking me in, I get sympathetic and allow them to. I have dug myself into a deep hole that I am finding hard to get out of.

It has been a long time since I posted, and I am sorry I did not make your party Chelsea. ( I heard it was fun. ) I just want to apologize...for everything. I have been a jerk to guys. Now that Mike is back, maybe it is time for me to turn around. But I feel like it is too late. Who knows...

I just want to be accepted again. I'm sorry.
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12:29am 20/02/2006
mood: thoughtful
I haven't posted here in awhile. Maybe because I am tired of of going her to explain the problems in my life. I have a lot of them right now. And I could care less about them as well. I barely talk to anyone anymore, and I hide myself in video games everyday. I am just waiting until this summer so I can get the thing I want and break free from the world. It is so funny how one thing can take your mind away from all the drama and anxiety.
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Wrong Turn   
07:26pm 07/01/2006
mood: drained
Hm, I'm still waiting for that "spark" in my life. Unfortunately, it has been the opposite. I woke up this morning feeling a sharp pain in my right rib area. I went to the bookstudy, and afterwards I was rushed to the ER. After about 4 hours of sleeping in a bed, taking X-rays, taking an ultrasound, getting my bloodpressure taken, and having needles and IV's put through me, they find out my gall bladder has been acting up.

The doctor told me that it has been acting up, so that is why it has been hurting so much. They told me it was inflammed, and was not able to help digest food, and it would feel like I had a gallstone. They told me I needed to come in on Monday or Tuesday to get a nuclear x-ray. This could either lead to medicine or surgery.

They gave me nausea medicine, and told me to get alot of rest. Meaning, I can't do anything this weekend. I missed the talent show and Jarred's Halo party. It's funny how everything is going downhill for me on a road that seems endless.

I miss you all alot, I wish I was with you. But for now, I have to rest, and pray that they don't cut me open...
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01:37am 02/01/2006
mood: blank
Hmmm. One more day left until I begin my final run of high school, and then I live the life of an adult. Doesn't seem too much to me. I should be in bed now, but I guess I could stay up and watch ESPN for a while. The Rams won. (finally). Way to end a season baby.

My feelings are mixed right now. I can never be happy, I get close...but then my fingers slip away again when I come to realize that everything is not alright. But as Andrew said, it will happen. I am waiting for that one spark that will ignite my life, and send me to happiness.

The question is.....

When will it come?
12:09am 30/12/2005
mood: contemplative
Hm... Nothing too much to think about right now. I have not really been out the house, and I really don't care about doing too much either. Jake called me the other day, asking me to go to his concert. I told him I would try and make it. I miss the guy, and I need to get some fresh air.

School is coming back up, and I really don't mind it. I just want to finish it, so I can stop worrying about it. I haven't talked to anybody that much anymore, I feel bad, but I know I will be back in the group soon. I ponder if I will be welcomed back with open arms, or the opposite. I guess I will find out soon enough.

Maturity has hit me fast. And the final post Mike sent has made me change. If it is good or bad, who knows? But I won't change. I like it this way. Even if it means I have to be alone sometimes.
11:32am 23/12/2005
mood: pissed off
Well, things are getting worser. My sister has left for California, the only person that keeps me sane. I have not been able to do anything for odd reasons. And one of the people I text all the time, doesn't want me to text them anymore. Hahaha. I thought depression would be about 95 percent of my entries. But it's not. I'm pissed. And it seems I get more b.s. piled onto my crappy plate of excuses.

I'm thinking of a four letter word, can anyone guess what it is?

_ _ _ _ this.
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Truth Is...   
12:52pm 17/12/2005
mood: moody
I lied. I can't get rid of hip hop. I guess it is because of my heritage. I am around it all the time, so I guess that's what happens. In a way, trying to drop something that was a double edged sword, was dumb. I guess I will enjoy it, and get hurt at the same time.

I have gotten better since a week ago. I am not going to the UL/UK party that Jessica is having, I have some things I want to do. Family is coming in, but that is not a valid excuse. That is all you're gonna get though. Have fun guys. Besides I take UL basketball games way too serious. And being in the midst of a dozen UK fans, will not help.

I can't help but still think. When will this sharp sword of emotion be extracted from me?

...Who knows?

05:41pm 12/12/2005
mood: depressed
I cried myself to sleep last night. I will get better as the days go by. I am a bit glad I am posting again. I really still don't have much to say, but I realize that what happened, should set an example for me to become better spiritually as well. It is time to build myself a spiritual foundation, and then have everything else built around it. Not the other way around.

Depression hits me hard these days. But a little quiet time doesn't hurt anyone.
04:18pm 11/12/2005
mood: crushed
I will post later. I can't think of anything to say right now. Sorry guys.
Where Have Ya Been?   
04:32pm 21/11/2005
mood: calm
No where. I haven't posted in a while. Maybe because nothing has happened in my life recently. I went to the Gardner's house this weekend, where I had 75% of fun. Most of the time I wondered what everyone else was doing. I need to work on my script. That has been lacking lately, so have I. I won't be able to make the study, because I am leaving to St. Louis for Thanksgiving. Sorry, but our family always has Thanksgiving dinner for some reason. Not like we celebrate the actual holiday.

I miss the gang, really. I hung with Drew for a few hours yesterday, other than that, nothing. I also want to apologize for being in such a crabby mood last Friday. I don't want to go in depth for the reasons. No telling what is in my mind.

I have something I want to tell you Andrew, but I can't figure out how I want to say it. Maybe I'll just ask you when you get back from Florida. Will, how was the trip? Mike, sorry for your puppy problem.

I am going to finally ask my mother, if we are moving or not. Because if we move, I can try out for the next play. If not, then it's all down the drain.
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03:53pm 14/11/2005
mood: content
Hm, I haven't posted in a while. I have gotten better ever since last Wednesday. And I have been having an excellent time with Andrew, Mike, Chelsea, Lauren, Jessica, Jake, and Ashley. The get together was amazing, although I fell asleep and awakened at 4:00 in the morning. We went to Tijauna Flats yesterday, which was good, and HOT. Oh man, that sauce was a tear jerker. Props to Chelsea for having us eat there. Went to Mary's house, and their dog hated me. It really urked me, because I love dogs. And dogs love me. This was not the case this time. Oh well. I had fun this weekend, and that is all that matters.

I still have that ounce of depression in me, but it will always be there. But for now my happiness blocks it out.
15 minutes Later   
04:23pm 10/11/2005
  I deleted every rap song on my computer. And I am giving away or throwing all my rap cd's away. Just like that. I am tired of it....  
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03:59pm 10/11/2005
mood: confused
I don't understand. Why does she do this to me? It's like I am caught in a bear trap. ( No pun intended. ) But..I don't get why I continue to think there is something there, when in her head it is nothing. I can't judge what she thinks though. For all I know, she may feel the same way. Or maybe not. But I guess the only thing to do is not to get it in the middle of our friendship.

It's really hard not to... Even when I am feeling pretty crappy from all that happened yesterday, just her talking to me made my day. Maybe nothing happened, and I just assumed... Hahaha, let me quit with this. I feel like I am under a spell. I am going to sleep, to take my mind off things.

It's funny how a kid laughs at how emo his friends are, when he is emo himself...
Guess that's the way things work. ( Rap is getting retarded... )
10:24pm 09/11/2005
  ( I edited this entry, due to the fact it sounded ridiculous. )But to sum it up, I am on the verge of tears. It is so funny how things people say can happpen the next second. I don't want to go into details, because it would just totally make this journal edit fruitless. To describe my feelings:

Bullet to the head, repeatedly.
11:24pm 08/11/2005
mood: indescribable
I am in love. Seriously. I won't go into details, but I won't be afraid to just admit it now. I don't know what to do about it, it is like this is happening on purpose. Or maybe I just have these feelings, so I can be set up, and have a broken heart. I don't know what to say anymore, but I don't know how she feels about me.

The movie plan is going good, but the fact I have other things on my mind is not helping. I wonder what tomorrow brings for me in this soap opera.
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Production Begins...   
08:50pm 07/11/2005
  I have began writing the layout for my Star Wars movie. After hearing all of the special effects that Jake can hook me up with, I have decided it is a go ahead. I have changed the story drastically, and it looks good right now. I hope it is a success.  
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Night of January 16th [ Part 3 ]   
11:32pm 05/11/2005
mood: energetic
Everyone came to see me. I am so happy. I got so much love from everyone, and they all enjoyed it. I can't describe how happy I am right now. I have the meeting tomorrow, and some homework to do. Other than that, it's time to sit back and relax, and watch Star Wars Episode III. So much for camping.
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Night of January 16th [ Part 2 ]   
03:58pm 05/11/2005
  Friday we sold out. Amazing. It was my best performance. Today is the final day to see it. And I am going to give it my all.